On how much better than Daniel I am at Word Twist

I thought we had an unspoken agreement. I would never make fun of Dan's cutesy-but-impotent word twist challenges, and he would never make fun of Blue Oyster Cult on his blog. Well, all bets are off. Don't pretend that you didn't know about how much I love that video, Dan. Everybody knows it. Everybody who is anybody!

Ok, so maybe I've never told anybody that I liked that video. Maybe I was watching VH1 classic one night, all alone, drinking gin right out of the bottle. Maybe that video came on, and I thought to myself, "That video is cool! That dude Caught On Fire!" It doesn't matter. People should know things about me, even if I don't specifically say those things out loud.

So anyways, I am way better than Dan at Word Twist. If you haven't played Word Twist on Facebook yet, you should. It's very fun and addictive. I would suggest challenging Dan to a few rounds, just for some easy wins.

And let this be a warning to all of you readers. No more nice, fuzzy posts for me. This blog is, at least partially, supposed to be about things that make me mad! So watch out that you don't make fun of something that I secretly like on your blog, because I will exact swift revenge upon you! Fear the Reaper!

On people whose names are also Ted that I like

The first person whose name is Ted that I like is Ted Allen.


He got famous by being the gay guy who knew about food on a show about gay people who know things about how to live one's life. I call him "Gay Ted" to differentiate him from me, because we both know things about food and are so similar in every possible way except the fact that he is gay and I am only effeminate.

Whenever he comes on the T.V., I cry out, "Hey, Gay Ted is on TV! Come on into the living room and watch him with me!" but nobody comes because I'm all alone most of the time.

The second person whose name is Ted that I like is Ted Nugent. The following clip is him preforming a song about a mythical Great White Buffalo who takes revenge against the white man for slaying his buffalo brethren.



Man, I love that song. I play it really loud when I'm doing my laundry. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that "Great White Buffalo" is the best song about buffalo ever written. Care to disagree? Here's the most popular song about Buffalo on Youtube. Vote for your favorite buffalo song in the comments section!

PARENTAL WARNING! The following clip from "Veggie Tales" deals with penises and semen and vaginae, if you replace the words "water buffalo" with the word "penis," and the words "lima beans" with the word "semen," and the words "baby kangaroo" with the word "vagina."

On fame

Here's the list of famous people (aside from John Depp (he prefers "John")) I have seen at the store and not talked to because I would be instantly fired:
That guy from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (Tom Petty)
Tom Petty's guitar player (Mike Campbell)
Tom Petty's bass player (Ron Blair)
Those two dudes from Steely Dan (Walter Becker and Donald Fagen)
The guy who played the evil vampire in Blade (Stephen Dorff)
That hot guy from Memento (Guy Pearce)

I shouldn't be telling you all this. Perhaps one of these famous people that I've kinda sorta met is really into googling their own name, and they come across this blog and they're all like, "I'm never going back to that store again because some dude's spying on me or something!" and they tell all their famous friends not to come back, and my boss freaks out because all the famous people have stopped coming to the store, and he calls Tom Petty and Petty's like, "There's some blog that's been getting millions of hits about me coming into your store! It's no longer a safe locale for a famous person of my stature and fame!" and I get fired. I hope that doesn't happen. All of the above famous people that I have seen in the store and not talked to are great dudes. I have not met any famous women. Don't bother trying to come to the store to see famous people, because they all have clever disguises and you'll never figure out which two dudes are the two dudes from Steely Dan, so don't waste your time.

On moving to the big city and the things that go on here

I live in the big city now, and fix guitars for famous people. I'm hoping to fix a guitar for the most famous person in the world, whoever that is.

A quick internet search reveals that the most famous person in the world is Ronald McDonald.

I worked on a guitar for Johnny Depp. It was missing a part (a hard-to-find DeArmond pickup) that some other shop, years ago, stole from him and replaced with an inferior part. I think that's the story. I only heard it secondhand. I was not allowed to speak to Johnny Depp, lest I get fired. Johnny Depp was apparently very nice. But I wouldn't know personally, because if I spoke to him, I would get fired.

I found an old youtube clip of Johnny playing the very guitar I was trying to find the old pickup for. From closely watching the clip, I figured out the particular model of pickup he needed. We found one tucked away in the shop and installed it into his guitar. I hope he liked it. I would ask him the next time he's in the shop, but I'd get fired.

Below is the clip I watched which features the guitar I found the pickup for. In this episode of 21 Jump Street, entitled "High High," the undercover-cop-teenagers bust the shit out of a drugged-out art school. Johnny is undercover as a guitar playing teenager.

On freaking Bill O'Reilly

I saw this clip on another blog, and I thought it was awesome. In it, a Catholic Priest from Chicago is interviewed by one of Bill O'Reilly's producers(?), who is obviously hoping to piss the priest off enough that he'll slip up and say something stupid. Well, all the stupid's on you, Bill.
In case you were wondering, Bill only was able to use five seconds of the clip on his program. Then he suggested that the priest be sanctioned by the Catholic Church.

On what you should drink if you're a rapping bear

If I were a rapping bear, I'd drink mead. It's made with honey! F--- water!
What would you drink if you were a rapping bear?

Also, right at the start of this video, I think Hip Hop Harry advocates drinking our own sweat. That's dope.

On getting off my back and buns

Even though there are exactly six people who read my blog, all six of you have been giving me a hard time about not posting anything for a while. Well, here's something: I'm busy. I've got lots of Irons in the Fire, lots of Buns in the Oven. Just kidding! Please keep reading my blog!

Speaking of having lots of buns in the oven, Elliott has been talking a lot lately about wanting to father a child. He's been reading books about what daddies can expect when their wives are expecting, and checking out websites about how to have babies with women. He's also got a nice mahogany crib set up in his room, which is ironic only because he sleeps on a semi-deflated air mattress. Or maybe he sleeps in the crib, I don't know.

Last night, Elliott skipped into the living room holding a piece of paper.
"Hey Ted! I've got a list of little boy names all ready to go for when the baby comes!"
"Cool, Elliott!" I said, not wanting to deflate his enthusiasm. "Let's hear them!"
"Ok ok ok! The first one is Snap Dragon Stevens! It's a kind of flower!"
"Uh..."
"He can go by either 'Snap' or 'Dragon'! And my wife and I could beckon him by snapping our fingers!"
"I don't think I like that one, Elliott. What other names are you considering?"
"Just that one. I've pretty much decided on Snap Dragon Stevens."
"Oh."
And then Elliott skipped back into his room, snapping his fingers. During breakfast this morning, he told me excitedly that "Snap Dragon Stevens" would work for a girl's name too. I think he's got his heart set on a little boy, though. You can see it in his eyes. Also, he bought some light blue paint for his room. Also, he's been eating lots of pickles and fish eggs because he heard that they increase the efficacy of his Y chromosome or something. I'm not sure I buy all those old wives' tales, but I don't think all the pickles will hurt him. Also, he eats tons of fudge pops.

I know this blog has been a little anti-Elliott in previous posts, but I'd just like to pay him a quick complement. Elliott is an extremely dedicated guy, and when he puts his mind to something, he doesn't waiver or lose focus. I'd be willing to bet that he's going to get some girl pregnant within the month. We'll see! He's going to be a great dad!

On smoke.

I'm really happy nowadays because I just finished the rough draft of my thesis. It turned out ok, but there's still tons more work left for me to do on it. For instance, I need to go through each sentence and delete some of the "smoky"'s. I didn't realize it as I was writing, but apparently the word "smoky" is my go-to adjective in almost any circumstance. Here's some examples that need fixing:

"'Young Master Billy, if you would please keep your smoky shoes off the table,' the butler said."

"Whichever way the wind went, and howsoever briskly, it nevertheless carried upon it a smoky scent, reminiscent of the smoky cigars of a bygone, smoky era."

"'Your skin is so smoky,' she said, whilst throwing my smoky smoking-jacket asunder."

"'What is this unusual flavor which permeates the aspic?' the baroness asked me from across the table. I replied, 'It's called "liquid smoke."' 'It provides the aspic with a wonderful smoky note,' she replied sexually."

So yeah, lots of revising to do...

I guess I've been fixating on smoke ever since Elliott started smoking weed in the living room. When we first moved in, he was polite enough to at least smoke in his room with a towel under the door. But he's become more aggressive lately, pushing Mark and my boundaries, trying to see just what he can get away with. Enough, Elliott! Your smoke is making the house all smoky!

On hacking

On this blog, over to the right, you'll notice I've linked to a few other blogs that I think are cool. One blog is called 8bitbus. This is the project of my brother Alex. If you click the link, you'll notice all sorts of scary nerd language and codes. I'm worried that Alex is attempting to hack into the FBI's computers or something.

Way down at the bottom of Alex's entry is a place where you can post your comments. I'll give five dollars to the writer of the post that amuses me most and/or makes Alex the maddest.

Cheers!

On writing and deleting.

Writers are liars. They say things like, "this story was originally sixty pages long, but I cut it down to just ten." Any writer who says something like this is a big liar. Ask them to prove it. They won't be able to because they were lying.

For the most part. I suppose there's some terrible writers that actually do have to write hundreds of pages of crap in order to glean out a usable paragraph. These writers are terrible and should stop writing immediately. If I made one hundred loaves of bread and had to throw away ninety of them, then I would be a terrible baker and a failure.

Love,
Ted

P.S. I don't know what I'm talking about. I've never written a book or anything. I'm just sixty pages into my thesis and I don't really have time to delete fifty pages. I'd never graduate! Sorry about all this...