On changing a tire

You should really know how to do this. You're big enough to do it. Your clothes will get different kinds of dirty, depending on what your automobile is parked on. You might be a girl or a lady, and maybe you really don't want to get your clothes dirty. Sometimes it's bad to get your clothes dirty, regardless of your gender. It only makes sense to take advantage of the times that it doesn't matter if your clothes get dirty and you have a flat tire. You will be ready to feel wonderful.

Before you get a flat tire, you should get a new jack. Your jack is terrible. You have to crank on a wobbly thing and it keeps tipping over. You should purchase one that is hydraulic. These can be expensive. Don't get the one that looks like a bottle. Get one that looks flatter. It's called a floor jack.

Also, while you're buying a new jack, buy a thing called a 4-way wrench. It looks like a big letter X. It's way better than the wrench that came with your automobile. That thing makes me want to cry:


Once you've bought all new stuff, go to some other website and learn how to change a tire. They tell you how. It's really easy. I really only want to discuss the highlights:

1. When you drop a lug nut onto a gravel road, there's a tiny bit of inky black oil on the threads and the dirt from the road gets in there. You think, I shouldn't put this back in there with dirt on it, so you wipe it on the sleeve of the shirt you're wearing, which is a pink teeshirt you bought because you thought it might be ironic or something. The grit and oil make weird tiger-claw slashmarks on your sleeve.

2. When you spin the 4-way wrench, hunched over with your hands smeared with black tire stuff, you think, The tire is wearing off on my hands. These hands will never come clean.

3. When you sit on the ground and lift a tire with your toes onto the bolts and it slides into place and you put that first lug nut back on and it holds, and you put the other ones on and spin the wrench, just getting them the perfect amount of tight.

4. When you tighten the lug nuts in the proper order, you make some sort of star on your tire, and you think, It looks like a pentagram. When you go back around them and make sure they're all tight, you think, I'm drawing a circle around the pentagram, like devil-worshipers do to contain the evil spirit.